Are you thinking 'Yes, No, Maybe?' You may ask yourself if
it’s normal to get the feeling of ‘cold feet’ when you think of saying ‘I
do’…Is it normal to be scared of thinking you may commit yourself to the wrong
one, or to have panic attacks and a gut feeling that ‘the right one’ may not be
‘Mr or Mrs Right’ after all…?
Don’t worry! You are
normal! It’s a very common phenomenon and perfectly justified to make sure you
know what you’re letting yourself in for. According to US statistics, 2,096,000
couples tied the knot in 2010 and 872,000 couples ‘untied’ it (41.60%) so yes,
your feelings are completely justified!
Over the last few years,
it has been a growing trend between couples to announce and celebrate their
engagement with friends and family and then have a ‘trial-run’ as a married
couple. Even though they may have lived together already, they opted to
celebrate a symbolic wedding that isn’t legally binding and after a ‘trial
period’ or when children announce themselves, they do ‘the real thing’!
We think it's a great
idea! According to relationship experts, the first 3 years of any relationship
is classed as the ‘honeymoon period’, after that, the pink glasses have come
off and we see each other as we really are, so why not go for a ‘trial run’ without
the legal implications first? It makes perfect sense!
If you’re determined to do
‘the real thing’ without a ‘trial run’, just ask yourself a few questions:
Do the things that spring to
your mind when you think about your wedding really bother you or are they
actually insignificant? Does his or her way of doing certain things raise alarm
bells? Is your gut feeling warning you? Is there a little voice in your head
that makes you doubt your decision? Have your friends noticed certain things in
your partner that you have also observed and warned you about them?
If that’s the case, the
best advice is to take a few days ‘time-out’ from your wedding planning and
talk openly with each other about your worries. Getting married is an important
step in your lives. It often completely changes your lifestyle and you have to
ask yourself whether you are both willing to compromise and if you both pull on
the same piece of string…
We have put together a
list of questions that you should ask yourself before jumping in the deep end:
Do we have similar future
goals in terms of children, housing situation, i.e. buy, build or rent a place
or where we want to live?
Have we been
together for at least 2 years and have we lived together and managed ok?
Are we
sexually compatible and do we share the same amount of passion for each other?
Can we talk
openly about everything or are there areas where one of us shuts off, starts
lecturing or manipulating the other one?
Do we know
each other’s strengths and weaknesses and can I live with them?
Do I
respect, trust and believe in my partner?
Do we have
similar needs with regards to being close or distant with each other?
If I was
stranded on a desert island, would I want to be with him/her or would I rather
be with someone else?
Does he/she
make me feel safe and give me a warm cosy feeling?
Do we share
the same sense of humor?
What do my
best friends think of him/her?
Does he/she
like and get on with my friends and family?
Does he/she
allow me to be myself? For example, shopping trips, girlie nights or fishing
trips, long telephone conversations, working on the car, etc.
Does he/she
introduce you as his partner?
Do you share
some hobbies?
Does he/she
also love your ‘problem areas’?
Has he/she
ever turned down a night out with friends for you?
Have you
been on vacation together and had a great time?
Does he/she
remember your birthday and Valentines Day?
Does he/she
pay attention to detail and sometimes surprises you with little things?
Does he earn
sufficient in order to maintain our lifestyle should I chose to become a
‘stay-at-home-mum’ for a while?
What is
his/her view on children and working?
The most important thing
is to answer these questions being completely honest with yourself!
If you end up with a
positive answer to most of these questions, don’t worry, you’re just having a
small attack of the pre-wedding jitters!
However, if after
answering these questions you notice several discrepancies that may lead to
conflict in the future, don’t brood too long over how you can communicate your
worries to your partner in a gentle way, or you’re running the risk of just
bottling it up and never saying anything at all. The best way is to keep it
short and direct, like: “I feel really overwhelmed and a bit scared right now
in terms of our wedding. I would prefer to have a bit more time to make sure
this is the right decision for both of us.”
We all know that marriages
are not always ‘til death us do part’ but the one you do choose to spend your
life with should nevertheless be the right one! There is never a guarantee when
you enter a contract for life and someone once said: “If you want a guarantee,
buy a washing machine!”
So how do you know if it’s
the right one?
If you catch yourself
thinking ‘maybe someone better will come along one day’ or ‘he/she would be
perfect if only we could change this or that’, then its definitely not the
right one, and neither is it the right one if that little voice in your head is
still there, making you doubt your relationship, or, that gut feeling in your
stomach just doesn’t go away.
You know it's the right
one is when there is not a grain of doubt, when there is no little voice
warning you and the only feeling in your stomach are the butterflies you get
when you see each other or hear each other’s voice!
