Are you having wedding jitters?

Are you thinking 'Yes, No, Maybe?' You may ask yourself if it’s normal to get the feeling of ‘cold feet’ when you think of saying ‘I do’…Is it normal to be scared of thinking you may commit yourself to the wrong one, or to have panic attacks and a gut feeling that ‘the right one’ may not be ‘Mr or Mrs Right’ after all…?

Don’t worry! You are normal! It’s a very common phenomenon and perfectly justified to make sure you know what you’re letting yourself in for. According to US statistics, 2,096,000 couples tied the knot in 2010 and 872,000 couples ‘untied’ it (41.60%) so yes, your feelings are completely justified!

Over the last few years, it has been a growing trend between couples to announce and celebrate their engagement with friends and family and then have a ‘trial-run’ as a married couple. Even though they may have lived together already, they opted to celebrate a symbolic wedding that isn’t legally binding and after a ‘trial period’ or when children announce themselves, they do ‘the real thing’!

We think it's a great idea! According to relationship experts, the first 3 years of any relationship is classed as the ‘honeymoon period’, after that, the pink glasses have come off and we see each other as we really are, so why not go for a ‘trial run’ without the legal implications first? It makes perfect sense!

If you’re determined to do ‘the real thing’ without a ‘trial run’, just ask yourself a few questions:

Do the things that spring to your mind when you think about your wedding really bother you or are they actually insignificant? Does his or her way of doing certain things raise alarm bells? Is your gut feeling warning you? Is there a little voice in your head that makes you doubt your decision? Have your friends noticed certain things in your partner that you have also observed and warned you about them?  

If that’s the case, the best advice is to take a few days ‘time-out’ from your wedding planning and talk openly with each other about your worries. Getting married is an important step in your lives. It often completely changes your lifestyle and you have to ask yourself whether you are both willing to compromise and if you both pull on the same piece of string…

We have put together a list of questions that you should ask yourself before jumping in the deep end:

Do we have similar future goals in terms of children, housing situation, i.e. buy, build or rent a place or where we want to live?

Have we been together for at least 2 years and have we lived together and managed ok?

Are we sexually compatible and do we share the same amount of passion for each other?

Can we talk openly about everything or are there areas where one of us shuts off, starts lecturing or manipulating the other one?   

Do we know each other’s strengths and weaknesses and can I live with them?

Do I respect, trust and believe in my partner?

Do we have similar needs with regards to being close or distant with each other?

If I was stranded on a desert island, would I want to be with him/her or would I rather be with someone else?

Does he/she make me feel safe and give me a warm cosy feeling?

Do we share the same sense of humor?

What do my best friends think of him/her?

Does he/she like and get on with my friends and family?

Does he/she allow me to be myself? For example, shopping trips, girlie nights or fishing trips, long telephone conversations, working on the car, etc.

Does he/she introduce you as his partner?

Do you share some hobbies?

Does he/she also love your ‘problem areas’? 

Has he/she ever turned down a night out with friends for you?

Have you been on vacation together and had a great time?

Does he/she remember your birthday and Valentines Day?

Does he/she pay attention to detail and sometimes surprises you with little things?

Does he earn sufficient in order to maintain our lifestyle should I chose to become a ‘stay-at-home-mum’ for a while?

What is his/her view on children and working?

The most important thing is to answer these questions being completely honest with yourself!  

If you end up with a positive answer to most of these questions, don’t worry, you’re just having a small attack of the pre-wedding jitters!

However, if after answering these questions you notice several discrepancies that may lead to conflict in the future, don’t brood too long over how you can communicate your worries to your partner in a gentle way, or you’re running the risk of just bottling it up and never saying anything at all. The best way is to keep it short and direct, like: “I feel really overwhelmed and a bit scared right now in terms of our wedding. I would prefer to have a bit more time to make sure this is the right decision for both of us.” 

We all know that marriages are not always ‘til death us do part’ but the one you do choose to spend your life with should nevertheless be the right one! There is never a guarantee when you enter a contract for life and someone once said: “If you want a guarantee, buy a washing machine!”

So how do you know if it’s the right one?

If you catch yourself thinking ‘maybe someone better will come along one day’ or ‘he/she would be perfect if only we could change this or that’, then its definitely not the right one, and neither is it the right one if that little voice in your head is still there, making you doubt your relationship, or, that gut feeling in your stomach just doesn’t go away.

You know it's the right one is when there is not a grain of doubt, when there is no little voice warning you and the only feeling in your stomach are the butterflies you get when you see each other or hear each other’s voice!

A few wedding mishaps ....

Working as a Minister certainly does have its advantages! 

The fact that 99.9 % of the couples I marry are extremely happy, is a great contributing fact for achieving near-perfect job satisfaction. No bad-tempered clients, no complaints and sunshine, blue sky, turquoise ocean, and a beautiful white sandy beach certainly help too! It's easy to smile and be nice when the couples you work with are all happy, excited, and friendly. I always tell each couple to 'go with the flow', chill out, and not to worry! It's ok if things go wrong, as long as nobody comes to harm! A perfect wedding will be remembered as just that - 'Perfect'; but it is certainly not going to be memorable! 

It's those little things that happen unscheduled and that may not always be funny on the actual day, which will make a wedding memorable and keep people laughing years later. 

With over 1000 wedding ceremonies under my belt, every single wedding is still exciting for me. Show me a photo of a couple I married years ago and for sure I will remember them! Some weddings don't require a photo to be forever embedded in my mind though. Whenever you come to a point in your wedding where you think it's getting tough, here are just a few 'memorable' weddings that will put some mishaps into perspective.

Some brides are very calm and quiet whilst others are nervous or excited, giggly or teary, and of course, there is the odd 'bridezilla'!

Contrary to wide belief and fortunate for most working in the wedding industry, 'bridezilla's' are still relatively rare, considering the amount of pressure each bride is under! It's always easy to judge others but one should always remember that we all have different tolerance levels, different expectations, and who knows, there may be a perfectly understandable reason as to why a bride 'flips'; - we just may not be aware of it! 

For me, the easiest way to deal with any stressed bride is to calm her down and reassure her - not always an easy task, I agree. It's often easier for an outsider to take over this task than for a close relative or friend where the temptation to 'try and reason against all odds' is much higher. Touch wood, in my entire career working as a Minister, I only ever came across one completely uncontrollable bride who, I may add, should have come with a serious health warning! 

Sadly, the bride was bi-polar, which, as far as I am aware, can in most cases effectively treated by medication. Too bad for me and all who came in contact with her that her medication flew out the window and was swiftly replaced by Mexican Tequila the minute they touched down in Cancun! 

It was truly THE wedding from hell, one minute the bride squeezed and hugged everyone in joy, the next minute anyone close to her was ducking for cover and I seriously thought I would have to exchange my Ceremony Book for boxing gloves to defend myself! It was not only THE wedding from hell, - it was also a truly scary experience to anyone that was within range, onlookers, wedding guests, or staff! I decided to grit my teeth and put on a brave face and somehow managed to get through the ceremony - after deciding to make a rapid exit during one of her 'hugging phases'! 

This was by far the 'worst' wedding I ever officiated and I am sure the bride didn't enjoy her big day as much as she could have done, if she would have taken her medication either! Always remember not to 'skip' medication because it's your wedding day, it could ruin your wedding!    

Then there was the wedding in the dark, with guests slowly being roasted by the tiki torches, bugs the size of bats, and a completely drunk father of the bride. This particular bride went through immense trouble choosing a set up overflowing with roses - a rose wedding arch, roses on the aisle, on the chairs, and wherever they could possibly be placed. The smell was intoxicating, - and after the bride eventually made her entrance 1 1/2 hours late, the guests were intoxicated too - in particular the bride's father! 

The bride eventually arrived after sunset and everyone hurriedly staggered to their seats. By this time it was pitch black outside, there was no moon and the only lighting came from the tiki torches that lined the aisle. As the guests rose and strained to see the bride making her entrance, swaying gently from side to side from the effect of the pre-ceremony drinks, they were slowly being smoldered and smoked by the tiki torches. 

The bride literally carried her father down the aisle with obvious difficulty whilst the groom and I patiently waited at the altar. As they slowly swayed towards us, the bride's father suddenly decided he had enough of walking and just nonchalantly pushed his daughter towards me and just fell into a chair without giving me the chance to ask 'Who gives this woman away....' 

I will always admire her for keeping her cool as very dryly whispered to me with a straight face: 'Just skip that part!' 

It was so dark, that in order to be able to read the ceremony script, I had to get as close as possible to the tiki torches. Between coughing fits from the smoke and avoiding to be set alight by the flame, the ceremony continued relatively smoothly, except for a few interruptions by the odd scream or wild carfuffle by some of the guests trying to fight off near bat-size bugs that were obviously extremely attracted by the fire and intoxicating smell of the roses. All in all everyone had a great time but for those brides planning on making a late entrance, I would just like to add that I am usually not in a position to wait that long for a bride to arrive, and please also spare a thought for your poor guests! :)  

There are also other hazards that don't immediately spring to mind when planning a beach wedding! A box of tissues may not always just serve the purpose of wiping tears of joy away! During one of my ceremonies a flock of pelicans decided to make a formation flight right overhead the ceremony site and one of the birds left a rather generous present mid-flight. It was not gladly received by the poor bridesmaid who was unaware of the danger from above, and who led out a high pitched scream as the generous 'offering' landed on her beautiful dress with an audible splash! One of the groomsmen came to her rescue by immediately taking off his shirt for her and the ceremony continued with a rather odd-looking bridal party - a groomsman wearing nothing but his trousers and a bow tie and a maid of honor wearing a dress shirt above her bridesmaid dress! The bride had meticulously written schedules for her entire wedding day, covering all eventualities with 'Plan B + C', however ....overhead pelicans were not calculated for.... 

These are just a select few wedding mishaps & 'dangers' I encountered as a Minister and it has hopefully given me the panache of staying cool even in the most outrageous situations! 

Author: Petra Rattue